December 6, 2015

HILLARY 4 PREZ

I don't use the expression 'is goals' but tbh, Hillary Clinton is goals. She is the goal of all the goals that ever goaled #goals. I could wax poetic on her politics. Or laud her for being one of 27 women who graduated from Yale Law School out of class of 235. Perhaps applaud her for handling that whole Lewinsky scandal with true millenial-tinged grace - instead of beating the living s@%! out of Bill, she scarfed down scrumdiddlyumptious mocha cakes proving once again she really is one of us. And because I'm convinced Hillary Clinton will become the next President, I imagined what she would wear to her Presidential Inauguration and for her struts around the White House. Perhaps I'm counting these chickens before they hatch but I just can't imagine that Lord Voldemort in Muggle form (here's looking at you, Trump!) will become the next Prez. Perhaps, a long-awaited stint as touring comedian is his next great career move. But enough about that princess, let's keep talkin' about the Queen.

For her Presidential Inauguration, I patriotically Photoshopped Hill into this Dior Haute Couture fall 2012 runway look (pictured above). A fashion-forward coat is the object du jour for the women of the White House. And as obsessed as I was with Michelle Obama's covetable candy-colored coats (sorry Jackie O, Mrs. Obama is the most stylish First Lady in history), I want Clinton to take the oath in a navy coat that reads HPIC (you know, Head President in Charge).

And because Mrs. President will need good outfits for representing the free world in style, I have combed through runway looks from the recent spring 2016 shows - American designers only, of course (minus the Dior lewk above - I couldn't help myself, it was so Hillary). And since it's a stretch to see Mrs. President wearing these looks right off the catwalk, I have some dressing tips for her to take these from the runway to reality.

HILLARY CLINTON SHOULD WEAR OSCAR DE LA RENTA BY PETER COPPING

KEEP: The suit, the cherry-rid lip, the I-mean-business facial expression.

SUBTRACT: The shades and shoes.

ADD: Black patent Stuart Weitzman kitten heels and a glossy Thom Browne doctor's bag.

HILLARY CLINTON SHOULD WEAR MICHAEL KORS

KEEP: Everything about this.

SUBTRACT: Band-aid on model's foot.

ADD: Glitzy American flag pin to white shirt because #patriotism.

HILLARY CLINTON SHOULD WEAR CAROLINA HERRERA

KEEP: The perfect blow-out for when Hill decides to let the hurr grow out. The midnight blue velvet suit. The expression on the model's face which seems to say 'wut?' and will come in handy when talking to boring misogynists who try to not bow down to the Queen.

SUBTRACT: Shoulder-grazing, annoying-ass earrings that will somehow get tangled in Hillary's bob. Extension chord belt. Dysfunctional sandals.

ADD: Suede Manolo kitten heelz in navy. A pop of color Prada bag that also happens to be the same shade as the Pantone's Color of the Year 2016 (what a kawinkydink!)

HILLARY CLINTON SHOULD WEAR MARC JACOBS

KEEP: The bedazzled jacket. The wide-legged pants. The matching mini-bag.

SUBTRACT: The pussybow blouse. The KISS-ish boots. The Emily Ratajkowski.

ADD: Classic white blouse from Equipment. The kitten heels again.

HILLARY CLINTON SHOULD WEAR RALPH LAUREN

KEEP: The preppy dominatrix vibe. The flushed cheeks. The hand in pocket thing for easy, breezy, beautiful President.

SUBTRACT: The flatforms from hell. (I do love 'em though but Hillary wearing these would be endless fodder the an SNL skit).

ADD: A sexy young man (preferably Chris Hemsworth but will settle for James Franco). Louboutins to match suit (matching is still de riguer in political fash).

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And because you can never have enough fashunz, here are some other runway looks Hill can pull off with the right styling and alterations (some of these hemlines need a little lengthening and some of these earrings gots to go).

December 3, 2015

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRITNEY

by Matthew T. Murray in Sheezus

"It's Britney Bitch!" A three-word phrase that makes my heart flutter. A phrase that feels as if espresso has been injected into my body intravenously. The iconic catchphrase spoken before the beat of 'Gimme More' drops became viral before viral was a thang. Squadrons of teenage girls and gaggles of gays squealed in unanimous ecstasy every single time Britney announced it was in fact her.

And people were crafty little creatures too. Soon, it wasn't just Britney, bitch. It was Madeline. It was Sarah. It was David. Some way, some how, the phrase was universally socially acceptable as a way of announcing oneself's presence. I'll never forget one particular high school class clown strutting into a tear-jerkingly boring Math class fifteen minutes late yelling "It's Lindsay, bitch!" as she took her seat. Best. Math. Class. Ever.

But aside from the personalized spin-offs that "It's Britney, Bitch!" took on, it was a phrase that somehow - unintentionally perhaps - echoed empowerment. Circa 2016, everything is marketed to women as 'empowerment', whereas the real core-shaking empowerment seems to have lost its meaning, its pathos, its call to action.

With some bizarre twist and turn of events, "It's Britney, Bitch" gave girls a feeling of badass the mainstream media often prevents them from feeling. It was also the first time in my memory that I recall the expletive 'bitch' used in a non-pejorative way. And the idea of reclaiming a word used to vilify women as somewhat of an empowering slogan for women is the cornerstone for fighting for social justice in a world that refutes it.

Perhaps this is a stretch. Perhaps I'm overanalyzing a simple, three-worded catchphrase. But I just can't dismiss or trivialize anything Britney does.

So a happiest of (belated by 1 day) birthdays to Britney Spears! In celebration of the birth which arguably changed the course of history more so than Moses, I'm looking back on 5 fashion moments where this Queen brought the slayage. For kicks and gigs, I Photoshopped her into this jaw-dropping Marchesa gown since I would love to see her rock the living daylights out of it next time she reminds us why she's wifey for lifey.

Because she used a snake as an accessory.

Because even with smooshed boobies in a Michelle Kwan-like dress, she still kills it.

Because she invented hooker chic.

Because she invented denim.

Because she realized strategically-placed crystals could bring the sex appeal before JLo and Beyonce caught on.

December 3, 2015

CHANEL PRE-FALL: FILM NOIR MEETS GRUNGY GLAM

by Matthew T. Murray in Runway

Karl Lagerfeld conquered Rome with his gaggle of girls (Bella Hadid and Freja Beha Erichsen paraded down the runway) for the over-the-top Pre-Fall 2016 show. Bridgette Bardot beehives and smudgy kohl-rimmed eyes were post-modern film noir heroines meets adolescent Brooklyn hipsters.

There was something gloriously grungy at play here underneath the illusion of glamour. The Chanel woman of this season was chic, but disheveled. She was edgy, but refined. She was cool, but not pretentious. She was highbrow, but also lowbrow. Such is the magic of Chanel in Lagerfeld's hands - he manipulates contradictions and weaves a narrative so fantastical you wish you played a character in his lustrous world. This was one of my favorite collections Lagerfeld churned out of the fashun factory - another favorite is his Spring 2007 collection (remember those black sequin hot pants that were turning you on in every single flippin' fashion editorial for like 6 months!)

And because I made unashamed love to my MacBook Pro while clicking through this show, I played fairytale dress-up and Photoshopped my favorite Real Housewives of Beverly Hills into my favorite Chanel Pre-Fall looks. Anywhoozicles, my flavor flav flavorite looks from the show are below and trust when I tell yah, it was harder than a preteen browsing PornHub to pick these puppies out. Click on images to enlarge 'em: