Christmas with DVF

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FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25th

WHAT TO WEAR FOR CHRISTMAS

I'm obsessed with Diane von Furstenberg. Her words of wisdom, her vision for female empowerment, her beautiful fashions that never cease to take my breath away.

So in honor of the iconic designer, I put together a cheerful and festive Christmas outfit of all DVF goodies (minus the BaubleBar earrings).

If you're spending Christmas with the fam, this DVF dress is conservative enough to keep Granny happy unlike last year when she boisterously shouted how much you resembled a hooker every five minutes. If you're spending tonight with friends, loosen up yah buttons and spread the Christmas cheer to horny middle-aged men who are dying to catch a glimpse of cleavage (Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!)

What's even more amazing is that you don't even need a warm coat tonight - it's 65 degrees! -  so light it up chica! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS GIRLIES!

VICTORIA'S SECRET VAMP

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8th

It's T-minus 30 minutes until the best night of the year for horny teenage boys and faux-fur-vest-wearing girls who shout 'goals' excessively in public commences. Yup, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2015 is here!

And while many chicks will be watching the show while binge-eating pizza and crying that their bodies will never be as tanned or toned, I think this is the time to remind yourself that you too are a Victoria's Secret model. At the end of the day, you gotta remind yourself you're a sexy, heart-breaking, boner-inducing beast. You may as well be on the runway strutting side-by-side with Candice.

So in honor of the delusional thought that you too were created in a top-secret Swedish laboratory like the rest of the Angels, it's time to vamp it up tonight. Pair a sex kitten mini-dress with studded heels and a knuckleduster clutch. This dress is Anthony Vaccarello and judging by the tantalizing hemlines and sexually-stimulating cutouts, it's understandable that the Giseles and the Gigis of the world can't get enough of him.

So it's now time to remember you are Behati! You are Gigi! You are Adriana! And if you can't give yourself a pat on the back for being drop dead gorgeous, perhaps it's time to reach for that eighth slice of pepperoni pizza (diet starts tomorrow!)